Sunday, March 10, 2013

this few weeks ive not feeling well..

thou that day i thought it was god who bring my sister to me out of nowhere. i thought she really care for me, i find something is not right.. i know there something she never share with me. i know she hide something from me. that something is about me. im so sure of it! maybe this 2 weeks ive been to sticky to her, just like she is revolving around my life. without her i might have die?

i want to believe and having trust on you, but my senses tel me i should doubt people even the closest one to me. which is you... how i really feel now is.. ure my last hope and last person i can trust. thats why i doubt you, i want to prevent myself from getting hurt again. like now. i want to give up the last hope. i wanna test you. ever since 28th feb after my stepbrother birthday, ive been crying everyday. i couldnt take it anymore!

i find all sort of way to share my feeling with you, i hope that u could understand me better. really better. i know non of the people nearby me understand me well. because i nv really share, but i tried to open up to u. i really really serious open up to you! but i feel the same thing that gals always avoid me as usual!

this period of time i know myself even better, i need NEED to feel that i have a family. i searching for jie or all kinds of elder sister mother brother or whatever, just to get the FEEL of the family. friends will take care of each other often and care for others rather than folk up money and help, but only jie really folk up money and help. but in my situation i thou money is impt but i find that feel of the family is even more impt, i need you to care, i need you to understand. seems like i always need something and i wun give, pehaps i nv give anything to my family before, i need to learn from you. this few days really disappointed, that day on prev post, fri? we accidentally met, ive been that kind of face ever since until now when im alone. when i was with my friends and you i look perfectly normal, im lonely, i cannot be lonely. im afraid of being lonely.

dunno why, i find that certain time/place ure avoiding me, i feel love(family) in the way that im physically close to you, im emotionally close to you just like how i feel. im like this, cant help it. how i can wish time can travel back and notice that you care for me, i took it for granted cause i dun trust. i dun wanna get hurt. and now i get hurt because of so many reason, now i trust u the most, but still i need to doubt...

how many times have i repeated this, i must be mentally unstable.
i know there is way you can see this, if you put abit effort to know more about me, tweeter, ur bloglink..
everyday ive been crying, everyday ive thinking of dying. i wanna see how much i can hold, how berserk a person can be.

actually im a super sensitive person, is just that i always say NVM NVM and keep inside my heart. now i couldnt take it anymore, i just say this and that and this and pick on everything i saw and think and even imagine that are you thinking of this and that?

what more? speechless right now. this is how i feel, reach out to me. i will be saved.

-------------------final fantasy--------------- ; {12:46 AM}
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I guess im super lazy to wrote this as a paragraph for this week.

My mum is back to Singapore, she actually came back to work and stay here for quite sometime! Instead of staying here during holidays for a couple of days and go back to Malaysia. The first day we chat is just like Everytime she came to Singapore, I will be more talkative with her than my auntie which I'm currently staying with her. Things change dramatically after that night she saw me used my computer and play games instead of studying. I admit that this week I was rather lazy, but it was my first time playing since the start of my term. After that disagreement of each others reaction past few days we never Communicate more than 10 sentence.

Monday my godsister and her boyfriend went out with me, it was rather and awkward feeling, but I know she didn't mind at all. Suddenly both of them broke up a small fight with each other, i stand up and speak to both them separately , I understand the both situation fairly well and giving them suggestion. However on another hand I found out more about my godsister, I felt Extremely disappointed. an indescribable Feeling told me that we are just merely a friend.

As for today, it's my stepbrother 19th birthday, after getting his gift an heading towards my dad's house. Everything went fine until I was left alone as usual, but looking at how closely my step sibling with each other, I was rather jealous. I felt I was not part of the family member at all. After the series of event that took place, I understand myself a lot more within a week.

-------------------final fantasy--------------- ; {12:07 AM}
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Sunday, December 16, 2012

im back! like they said i need a journal of my own, so i guess blog would be e best cause is easy to access! hahah!

the recent post was like a year ago when i was inside army struggling. now i see more of myself this year. i really wish to read back all this memory as time pass and reflect on myself. okay...

oh anyway how it goes.. i distrupt my NS and i went to smu. 1st semester was so hard for me, i met this gal michelle which is so nice. i was bought into church and slowly i stay there for quite sometimes liao, since... september/ early october? i see a glimpse of hope that there are still so many ncie people around me/ this world. i see some light.

the first day i went to this uncle hse, it was such a mess that everyone was in that hse SQUEEZING hahah! we did our first prayer before we ate the food, i feel kinda weird! all of my life ive been looking at my friends doing some sort of praying eating before consuming their food while giving that kind of look like.. do u really need to do this?.. lol. and now... i cant believe i actually went into it. but still not so truthful bah!
uhh still rem that was end of sept i guess and we are called to brought a stuff tat start with our name. so... i buy chocolate! well...

ya did i say that there is one person that is so attractive that caught into my attention!? hmm... but perhaps is that kind of smile i was looking forward to see that really enlighten my days by looking at it.

after all this months ive been with them quite awhile. i shall say that im a kind of person that doesnt talk alot i guess. especially trying to speak english and communicate was kind of awful to me. sighhh.

u know this retreat that i just came back. was kind of happy + sad things. i find it so tiring to control myself from being overreacted. those normal language like ive use 'wtf' 'wth' which i dun mean to curse anyone or smth, infact i means like WOW a big surprise or smth to me, i was somehow refrain from using it, even sometimes we speak dirty joke around with my past year friends i was trying to stop myself from saying all kinds of dirty jokes. feel so tiring, i just cant be myself.

but still i look forward to all the laughters in church and looking for that particular smile. when that smile was no longer there i wish i could say some kind of joke or smth to bring the smile back for "myself" but it seems the old kind of me is not there anymore.

-------------------final fantasy--------------- ; {11:22 PM}
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Sunday, October 30, 2011

if this is a new chapter, its the worst chapter i ever gone thru in my life. my emotional feels is getting weaker or simply cant feel anything. or perhaps this is a new feeling ive nv gone thru in my life, tats y i feel nth?

every chapter have lead character. everybody wish to be the lead, same goes to me? i feel like being the center of the crowd. dun you?

maybe i just need someone hold my hand and guide me thru this darkest part.

my date and time is not plan. is either i feel not enuff time or maybe too much time.
sometime my concern to my impt character in my life is 100% and sometimes if im too busy it becomes 0%.
does my 100% concern scare off 100% of them?
lols!
i just concern too much.
maybe i just wanna be the center guy in their life..

-------------------final fantasy--------------- ; {2:24 AM}
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Sunday, July 10, 2011

i feel more lonelier ever since i enter NS. in my running, computer and working is with me in my poly life. i felt i can nv ever been more alone in poly times. but i can nv imagine this place is worse. without running i left with working and computer, ever since i enter to NS i stop working which left with my computer. now i felt more like a 宅男, but is not totally a bad thing. at leaast i understand so much right things to do den before.

last time i have so much hatred, im sorry for not understanding that time. things doesnt goes as the way we want and it always oppose us, so i trying to accept things first den i believe 1 day i will get accepted.

cant imagine i still have 14mths to go. and is a boring one. i wish my life is interesting like those days..

-------------------final fantasy--------------- ; {1:07 AM}
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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

this term is horrible. got lotsa prob, i maybe look perfectly fine to all of u, but actually when i heard abt the news. i almost cried. sighh... i scare i ooc, left few more weeks i getting my rank and yet how serious this thing can be. just a 3weeks training im done. but nw im doomed.

nth can describe how i feel rite nw =/

-------------------final fantasy--------------- ; {8:32 PM}
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Sunday, May 01, 2011

i dun wanna die another time...

-------------------final fantasy--------------- ; {3:22 PM}
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Friday, April 29, 2011

its been a long time since i write esp when i went into army, everything was so different from the outside world. but today it really makes me rem in my life.

we have an 12km route march with fbo organic weapon. along the march i felt dizzy. upon finishing the march i still felt dizzy and evantually i was bring into a aircon rm inside company office. and after awhile inside i got heat cramp.

it started with my mouth and hands/fingers numb and slowly my leg tense up too. my finger was tense and my 5 fingers automatically stick to each side which show a sign WTF..! toes is like pointing upwards and i hardly open my eyes as the tension becomes pain. tears flowing shouting for pain, thought it will became worse and went into heat stroke. at that point i though i couldn't make it.. but well im here..!

-------------------final fantasy--------------- ; {7:25 PM}
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