Sunday, March 10, 2013

this few weeks ive not feeling well..

thou that day i thought it was god who bring my sister to me out of nowhere. i thought she really care for me, i find something is not right.. i know there something she never share with me. i know she hide something from me. that something is about me. im so sure of it! maybe this 2 weeks ive been to sticky to her, just like she is revolving around my life. without her i might have die?

i want to believe and having trust on you, but my senses tel me i should doubt people even the closest one to me. which is you... how i really feel now is.. ure my last hope and last person i can trust. thats why i doubt you, i want to prevent myself from getting hurt again. like now. i want to give up the last hope. i wanna test you. ever since 28th feb after my stepbrother birthday, ive been crying everyday. i couldnt take it anymore!

i find all sort of way to share my feeling with you, i hope that u could understand me better. really better. i know non of the people nearby me understand me well. because i nv really share, but i tried to open up to u. i really really serious open up to you! but i feel the same thing that gals always avoid me as usual!

this period of time i know myself even better, i need NEED to feel that i have a family. i searching for jie or all kinds of elder sister mother brother or whatever, just to get the FEEL of the family. friends will take care of each other often and care for others rather than folk up money and help, but only jie really folk up money and help. but in my situation i thou money is impt but i find that feel of the family is even more impt, i need you to care, i need you to understand. seems like i always need something and i wun give, pehaps i nv give anything to my family before, i need to learn from you. this few days really disappointed, that day on prev post, fri? we accidentally met, ive been that kind of face ever since until now when im alone. when i was with my friends and you i look perfectly normal, im lonely, i cannot be lonely. im afraid of being lonely.

dunno why, i find that certain time/place ure avoiding me, i feel love(family) in the way that im physically close to you, im emotionally close to you just like how i feel. im like this, cant help it. how i can wish time can travel back and notice that you care for me, i took it for granted cause i dun trust. i dun wanna get hurt. and now i get hurt because of so many reason, now i trust u the most, but still i need to doubt...

how many times have i repeated this, i must be mentally unstable.
i know there is way you can see this, if you put abit effort to know more about me, tweeter, ur bloglink..
everyday ive been crying, everyday ive thinking of dying. i wanna see how much i can hold, how berserk a person can be.

actually im a super sensitive person, is just that i always say NVM NVM and keep inside my heart. now i couldnt take it anymore, i just say this and that and this and pick on everything i saw and think and even imagine that are you thinking of this and that?

what more? speechless right now. this is how i feel, reach out to me. i will be saved.

-------------------final fantasy--------------- ; {12:46 AM}
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I guess im super lazy to wrote this as a paragraph for this week.

My mum is back to Singapore, she actually came back to work and stay here for quite sometime! Instead of staying here during holidays for a couple of days and go back to Malaysia. The first day we chat is just like Everytime she came to Singapore, I will be more talkative with her than my auntie which I'm currently staying with her. Things change dramatically after that night she saw me used my computer and play games instead of studying. I admit that this week I was rather lazy, but it was my first time playing since the start of my term. After that disagreement of each others reaction past few days we never Communicate more than 10 sentence.

Monday my godsister and her boyfriend went out with me, it was rather and awkward feeling, but I know she didn't mind at all. Suddenly both of them broke up a small fight with each other, i stand up and speak to both them separately , I understand the both situation fairly well and giving them suggestion. However on another hand I found out more about my godsister, I felt Extremely disappointed. an indescribable Feeling told me that we are just merely a friend.

As for today, it's my stepbrother 19th birthday, after getting his gift an heading towards my dad's house. Everything went fine until I was left alone as usual, but looking at how closely my step sibling with each other, I was rather jealous. I felt I was not part of the family member at all. After the series of event that took place, I understand myself a lot more within a week.

-------------------final fantasy--------------- ; {12:07 AM}
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